The Results

Yes, you've waited long enough, and I've shaved bilaterally for long enough. I performed the final step of the test this weekend, which was asking 25 complete strangers to feel each side of my face to see which side was smoother. Well, the results are in, and the side of my face which I've been shaving with hair conditioner won in a LANDSLIDE vote of 21 to 4. The shaving cream side was not even close. So there you have it, Talyorism fans. As for me and my house, we're sticking to shaving with hair conditioner. At least until something better comes along. If you know of anything, let me know.

Additional findings from this weekend's experiment:

1. It's much easier to approach someone and ask them to feel your face than I thought it would be. Initially, I was terribly apprehensive, but after the first few people, it really wasn't that weird.

2. Of all reported occupations: Pharmacists are the most open to feeling a stranger's face.

3. As you might expect, women are much more willing than men to touch a male stranger's face.

4. In general, younger people are much more willing to touch a stranger's face than older people.

5. Most curiously passive-aggressive comment about the experiment (from a female respondent): "Well, I'll be sure to tell my FIANCE about that".

6. Asking someone to feel your face usually results in casual conversation about a person's general life status... sometimes resulting in an exchange of phone numbers.

7. Total phone numbers acquired during the experiment: 4.

8. Total number of dates arranged from said phone numbers: TBA. That will have to be another experiment to blog about. Stay tuned.

The big day

Well kiddies... today is the big day. Yuppers. I'm going to do the shaving test. All of my hard work (and all of your anticipation) has come to this pinnacle moment. That having been said, this is going to be a super short blog (a mini-blog, if you will), as I still have to shower, shave, prepare my experiment, have breakfast, and still get to work by 9am. Translation: I just woke up - and quite frankly - am having issues even spelling this early. I'm not a morning person. Oh man, am I not a morning person.

So with great delight, I offer you a VERY SPECIAL "Three Things I've Learned Today - Loki Edition". (Yes, even my dog has insight to share with you!) Loki, take it away:

1. Loki learned that with enough cute stares and affectionate tail wagging, he can indeed score a small piece of whatever I am eating. He also learned that he loves heath crunch pie as much as I do. That's my boy.

2. Loki has learned that no matter how much he digs in the back yard, he can't quite dig his way to the earth's core. He's a trooper, though - he keeps digging, much to my frustration.

3. Loki learned how a snooze alarm works this morning. Subsequently, I learned how the "wet dog nose in the armpit" alarm works. Amazingly, it's the most effective way to date that wakes me up.

Wednesday Morning

Well, it's been brought to my attention that more and more people are reading my blog. I'm not sure if it's because people are interested in the inner workings of a mind that is slightly askew, or if you're here for the free cookies. You can admit it, it won't hurt my feelings. Hey, I'm here for the cookies too.

Well, I just wanted to take a quick poll. If you are reading this blog right now, would you just be so kind as to raise your hand? Come on, please? Simon says. You don't have to raise it high, just high enough so I can see it. Oh, that's perfect, thanks. Wait a minute, is that a new watch? I love it. Very cool.

It's also been brought to my attention that since more and more of you are sharing my site with friends, there are people out there who want to know what I look like. Well, I haven't figured out how to post a photo yet. Yeah, I know all of the cool kids have pictures on their sites, but I'm just not that cool. Jeez. Stop hounding me. For now, a verbal description will have to suffice. Basically I look like Rupert Everett.

That is, if Rupert Everett was fat, Dutch, prematurely grey and had a smaller nose, bigger ears, and really long fingers.

Wait a minute... why is it whenever we describe ourselves to people, we always seem to focus on our negative aspects? I'm going to stop doing that. Right here, right now. I'm going to start focusing more on my positive aspects. I mean, I'm not the elephant boy, here! My self-esteem would have allowed me to get away with beating myself up like that three years ago when I was fat - REALLY FAT - but not now. No. No longer. For those of you who don't know me, I lost 110lbs three years ago - which is why I'm such an adamant runner and health nut today.

Yes, you read that correctly. I lost 110lbs. I lost Paris Hilton. (Oh, if only we could be so lucky to lose her!) I'll write more later on how I actually lost the weight, but I just want you to know that if there's something in your life that you want to change, you can do it. Seriously. Lose weight? Get healthy? Talk to that new officemate? Get a new job? Reconnect with old friends? Run a marathon? Come on people, if I can do it, you can do it. I am living proof that ordinary people can make extraordinary changes in their lives. And trust me, it's fun here.

So back to my positive aspects. Here goes. *takes big breath*

On any given day, I can look rather handsome (or so I've been told). I happen to like my hair today. And I like my eyes. And even though I can't seem to smile normally for a photo, I happen to like my smile. (Yeah, I'm not sure what's up with the photo thing, my smile always comes across as though I've just swallowed something sour). And although I'm no supermodel, I happen to like my body. If it can hold up after getting hit by a Toyota Camry and still run a marathon two months later, I'd say it's doing a pretty good job.

OK, enough touchy-feely for one day. I'm getting a little queasy, here. Time to change the subject. My shaving experiment is still rolling along... (If you're new to my neighborhood, check out blog Taylorism and Shaving for details). I PROMISE to report back this weekend. After all, I have to get you the results this weekend, as next week I leave for Hawaii for my best friend's wedding (yet another reference to Rupert Everett). I cannot WAIT to get to Hawaii, as I'm sure there will be a million crazy experiences, most of them will be rather blogworthy. I will try my best to find a computer for at least one island blog, "Mateo - The Fantasy Island Edition" if you will, but I'm not making any promises. If nothing else, I have a great memory, so you can expect many stories upon my return.

Well, I just wanted to send a quick thanks to everyone out there reading my blog. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. It's actually good therapy for me, oddly enough. I hope it inspires you to get healthier, but maybe it just makes you laugh. Either way, I hope it enhances your life. I'm glad you're here. Feel free to come back. You're cute.

Oh, and you can put your hand down, now. Simon says. Your arm must be incredibly sore...

Change of Plans

Sorry gang, I didn't perform the experiment this weekend. Two reasons why:

1. I myself still can't tell a difference from one side of my face to the other. So, I'm adding another week of bilateral shaving in hopes to accentuate the difference.

2. I attended dinner parties on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. Therefore I was always around people I know, negating the whole "asking 25 strangers to feel my face" thing. Why was I at dinner parties all weekend? Because I'm a rockstar in high demand. Duh.

Yes, I know you're disappointed. But look at it this way, by elongating the timeframe of the research, you have that much longer to anticipate the results. It will make the findings that much sweeter. If you can't wait that long, clearly you have Attention Deficit Disorder, so just chomp down a few more ritalin and chill out.

After all, this blogspot is about OCD, not ADD. Get your own blog, spaz.

Day Two

Day two of my shaving experiment, and I have to tell you something, people. Still not seeing those big rewards I was expecting. I had a few friends do a test run (feeling each side of my face and trying to guess which was which). They were getting a bit pushy on wanting me to tell them. LET'S GET THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR, I'm not telling you which side I'm shaving with conditioner. I'm afraid it might leak out on the Internet and ruin my findings. So try all you want, my lips are sealed tighter than the Go-go's. It seems that more and more people are hearing about and discussing this little shaving experiment, which honestly kinda' freaks me out. I don't want to be 50 years old and have someone walk up to me and ask if I'm "That Guy Who Did That Shaving Experiment". I'm a bit more dimentional than that. Not much more, but a little.

So touch my face all you want, but don't be so pushy. Deal?

Sorry, I'm a bit on edge right now. To add to today's stress, Loki and I are fighting. My friend Tara mailed me some much saught after juice glasses; each with a clever drawing of different animal on them and their respective onomatopoeic call. (Yes, that's a big word. Look it up.) So anyway, there's one juice glass with a dog and the word "woof" on it. Well, Loki decided it was automatically his since he was the only resident here who spoke fluent canine. I told him that I wanted it and we got into a big fight. He thought I should take the glass with the pig on it, apparently implying that I'm a big pig-headed Dutchman. Dumb dog. He doesn't even drink juice, so he'd never use it anyway. The glass is mine.

Regardless, he's still staring at me. Argh.

Day One

Granted, this is actually three days after I decided to embark on my scientific shaving experiment, but it's been a long weekend, and I haven't shaved until now. I was going for that rugged, "don't mess with me" look this weekend. Did it work? Clearly not, because you're still messing with me.

So this is the first day of my bilateral shaving, and I have to admit something. I can't really tell a huge difference from one side of my face to the other. I was expecting more drastic and more instantaneous results. Especially on the first day of the experiment. I was so excited on Friday to get this started. Both sides of my face feel so similar that I had to write down on a post-it note which side of my face I shaved with conditioner so I would remember for the rest of the week. (Sidebar: No matter how much you need to be reminded of something while showering, don't try to stick a post-it note in your actual shower, as all of the steam loosens it free from it's sticky grip, and then it just falls to the base of the shower and gets all wet.) Post-it note NUMBER TWO was quickly placed on the bathroom MIRROR.

Oh well, so you can't tell a huge difference today with my shaving. It's only day one. Perhaps tomorrow will harvest better results.

P.S. I'm eating Heath crunch pie for breakfast. I LOVE being 32 years old.

Taylorism and Shaving

Ok, I know that half of you are out there scratching your heads thinking "what can Taylorism and shaving have in common?" (while the remaining half of you are out there scratching your heads thinking "What in the world is Taylorism?"). In a nutshell, Taylorism is the study and science of efficiency, named after Frederick Winslow Taylor. He wrote The Principles of Scientific Management in 1911, based on employee productivity, efficiency, abilities, incentive, blah, blah, blah. Long story short, he studied the process of attaining a desired result in the fewest steps possible, a concept which I love. The man is my hero.

I know I'm going ultra geek here (and totally losing some of you in the process), so I'll throw in a fun side note. Word on the street is that in his personal life, FWT was a complete nutjob, taking his "science" of efficiency far too seriously. I remember reading in college where he actually studied the most efficient way to dry his body (with the fewest number of towel passes) when he exited the shower. Oh come on, who doesn't do that? Am I the only one who does? Uh.. nevermind.

But it's the perfect segue to today's topic - cut to this morning as I'm getting out of the shower, preparing to shave. Horror of all horrors, I realize that I am COMPLETELY OUT OF SHAVING CREAM. There wasn't even the little bit at the end of the can that teases you as it spits out tiny shaving cream particles. Nothing. Empty can. Normally, this is where I would completely freak out and run to the nearest grocery store to buy more (hopefully remembering to put on some pants first), but instead I calmly searched my mental archives. I knew that something could be done in a time of crisis. Well, I recalled an article I read years ago that said if you run out of shaving cream, you can use hair conditioner as a "in time of need" replacement. I just knew all that reading would come in handy one day.

So I begin to slather conditioner on my beard (granted, it doesn't lather nearly as well as shaving cream, and we all know that most of the fun of shaving IS the lather) but it covers my stubble well enough, so I continue. You may not believe this, but as I begin to shave, it actually feels BETTER than shaving with shaving cream. It was fantastic. Upon finishing, my shave was closer and my skin felt smoother than ever before. I stood dumbfounded in front of the mirror, caressing my newly shaven jawline and smiling - oddly enough, exactly like all those men in the shaving commercials.

So this is where the Taylorism kicks in, and why I'm as giddy as a 14 year old geek on his way to a comic book convention. What if I can combine my hair conditioning and shaving into one giant step? I would no longer need to buy shaving cream - 1.) eliminating yet another step in my life and 2.) eliminating the senseless clutter of shaving cream cans. I could rely solely on my trusty bottle of conditioner. My mind races as I ponder the beauty of it all.

I know it sounds crazy. I think so too. So, before I can commit to such a major life change, I will need to do a test. A true, honest-to-goodness test. So here's what I'm thinking. I will, IN THE INTEREST OF SCIENCE, sacrifice myself and shave half of my face with conditioner, and the other half with shaving cream for the period of one week. After said timeperiod, I will randomly sample 25 complete strangers and ask them to feel both sides of my face as to which one they think is a better shave. Assuming I don't get clobbered to death by said 25 complete strangers, I'll be back to you in a week with the results. Keep your fingers crossed, and stay tuned, Taylorism fans...

No time to blog

Sorry kids, I don't have much time here to blog (I know you're disappointed, I can hear the whimpering. Buck up campers). So, to appease you, I'm going to throw out yet another "Three Things I've Learned Today" list. Yes, I love lists. It's part of my OCD. Get over it.

THREE THINGS I'VE LEARNED TODAY:

1. My dog doesn't like mushrooms. Unfortunately, I discovered this because I stepped on the chewed up remains of a mushroom which I THOUGHT he had eaten. Trust me, a mushroom squishing between your toes is NOT a pleasant sensation.

2. Always remember to set the timer when baking a pizza. I check the oven to make sure it's turned off three or four times when I leave for work, yet I can't seem to remember to turn on the darn timer when I actually place something IN the oven. For the second time in a week, I've had a kitchen fire mishap. Yes, the smoke alarms went off again. Sigh. I think it's a sign from God telling me to stay out of the kitchen.

3. These pants don't look as good on me as I thought they did.

Can someone please tell my dog to stop staring at me?

I keep telling him to stop staring, but he won't. Maybe it's because I'm sitting here enjoying a big bowl of chocolate mint ice cream. OK, truth be told, it's a bowl of low-fat, sugar free mint chocolate ice cream with Girl Scout "thin mints" crumbled in it for more texture, as I'm a very tactile eater. I like my foods to be a certain texture or consistency. Not sure where it all started, but it's a bad habit I can't seem to break. OK, one of the many bad habits I can't seem to break.

For instance, when I put ketchup on a sandwich, I need to let it soak into the bun for roughly ten minutes while I eat my french fries so that the ketchup is a nice, thick and pasty consistency. Now my friends think this is yet another OCD quirk of mine, but in all honesty, it's just a preference. It's more of a thinly veiled attempt to cover one of my true OCD quirks, which is the fact that I can't eat more than one food at a time. I'm actually soaking the sandwich to buy time so that I can eat all my fries before eating the sandwich. I know, I'm so clever.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. I'm one of THOSE people. Now, before you get all finger-pointy on me, I realize that eating one food at a time is crazy. I'm working on it, because I realize that I'm no longer nine years old, and an adult being so finicky over food is just silly. But when I was a kid, my mother had this habit of mixing all of the left over food on your plate and making you eat it together, as "it all ends up in the same place anyway". While scientifically this is true, there's no scientific research that has ever proven a need for orange jello, potatoes, pork and lettuce to EVER be on the same fork.

So my rebellion (albeit a lame rebellion at that) has been to systematically eat all of my foods one at a time. So make fun of me. I don't care. If you really want to make fun of me, just ask me about the summer where I was afraid my car was going to overheat and blow up on me. After being reassured for the fifth time by my mechanic that everything was fine and that (mind you, these were his exact words) , I needed to "quit freaking out because my car was NOT going to blow up", I finally took care of the problem. I bought an SUV.

So in the meantime, I love my SUV and I've very much enjoyed my mint chocolate ice cream with the Girl Scout thin mints crumbled in it. God bless all those little girls for slaving over hot stoves across the country for our enjoyment at three dollars a box. Don't we have child labor laws? We're not living in China, people. Oh, and my dog is still staring at me. Jeez. Stop it!

I'm baaaaaaack!

Ok, so here's the deal. I finally had it with my computer, so I did the unthinkable. Man vs. Machine in a World Series Death Match. I'm happy to report that in this instance anyway, man was victorious. Loki got a bit frightened there for a minute, but he was fine once my screaming slowed to a whimper. I completely reformatted the hard drive and started from scratch. So I've reinstalled Windows '98, so at least my PC is working. And by working, I mean that it's up and running on it's most basic level. The previous drivers are all missing, so the display remotely resembles my archaic computer that I had in 6th grade - yes, the ever popular - yet completely unheardof - Commodore 64.

Mom, if you're reading this, "drivers" are the things that make the computer work - I'm not referring Morgan Freeman. Also - if you're reading this - and I mean this in the most lovingly appreciative way possible... but... hindsight being 20/20, we probably shouldn't have bought my first computer from a Christian bookstore. They specialize in converting the non-believers, not converting hard-drives. Even though Jesus may have blessed my beloved Commodore 64, that didn't seem to help them from going out of business 18 months later. Regardless, just in case I never thanked you properly (which I probably didn't, because after all, I was only eleven), thanks for buying me a computer. Who knew that twenty years later, I'd actually be working in computers? Seems kind of silly that we spent $50,000 on that little French degree, doesn't it?

Wait a minute, Mom... now that I think about it (yes, I'm changing the subject so that you forget about how much we spent on my college tuition) - if you're reading this, I'm incredibly impressed that you traversed the Internet Superhighway and found your way to your son's blog. Kudos, woman. Well, since I have your attention, I suppose I'll give you a little tribute. You always taught me to try and better myself with education, and do my best to learn something new every day. Well, here is an abbrieviated list of what your son has learned today.

1. I still don't like computers, even though they pay my mortgage.
2. They say that time heals all wounds, but you still need to wait more than six months to return to eating bananas after throwing them up while marathon training.
3. All of my smoke detectors work. (Don't ask, it's a REALLY long story. I had a little accident cooking dinner. The house is fine, it just kind of smells like a New York City taxi cab caught fire in here. Loki and I are fine too. After all, hair grows back.)

I guess that's really all I've learned today.

Aren't you proud of me, Mom?

I love my life

I love my life. It's computers I hate. Sure, I work in computers, but yet I can't even get my home PC to work correctly. I mean, seriously. That's the reason that I haven't posted out here in weeks. I'm sitting here, yet again reloading Windows '98 on my home PC for the 28 bajillionth time, and it's still not working.

Apparently, I thought I knew computers better than I know how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Well, turns out I forgot the cardinal rule about computers. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES go all willy-nilly deleting files. I just passed my MicroSoft XP exam (with a very high score if I may be so braggart) so I thought I knew my way around this technological maze. Well, like a mouse in search of cheese, I started my seek and destroy crusade to delete files that looked suspicious. Turns out, that was a pretty stupid plan. I clearly deleted something important, and now my PC won't boot. Not at all. It's pretty much worthless. My fifteen cent polyester pants are worth more right now.

Which is why I run. I hate computers. I hate technology. If it were up to me, we'd all live in log cabins, making sm'ores at our fireplaces. We'd have to rely on the earth for our food, not the local Wal-Mart supercenter. (Which by the way, I visited recently. Wal-Mart is a complete mystery to me. I'll get into that later.) I run to get back to nature, and to escape this "paradise" of concrete and steel that we've created. We go to our desks and sit in front of a computer all day, only to come home and sit in front of one all evening long to check our e-mail and see our favorite sports highlights.

Doesn't make sense to me. Paradise to me is running in the middle of nowhere, not knowing where you're going or when you'll finish. Some of the best running is when you just head out for a "mystery run". In the middle of nowhere, you can truly escape the madness of technology. Well, that is, if you can leave your MP3 player at home. I know, I can't either. So yes, I hate technology and have to embrace it at the same time. Argh.

So while my computer sits idly in the corner, in the meantime, I'll stick to running and perfecting my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.