Sunday, July 01, 2007

Things I've learned today list - The Baking Edition

Things I've learned today, The Baking Edition:

1. Don't ever buy a baking dish/pan that only serves only one very specific purpose. Even if that purpose is really cool, like... say... a French bread pan. Let's be honest, you probably won't use it.

2. If you must prove to yourself that you will use it, know your limitations. Bakers in France work YEARS to master the perfect baguette. Yours will not measure up. If people tell you it's just like the baguettes they used to buy in France, they are clearly lying to you. Graciously accept the compliment, but know the truth.

3. Don't buy the ten pound bag of flour. How many baguettes are you expecting to make? A ten pound bag of flour is simply a Three Stooges accident waiting to happen.

4. After a ten pound bag of flour explodes upon opening, the kitchen floor will be very slippery. For a very long time.

5. If you happen to find yourself with flour all over the kitchen floor, make every attempt possible to keep your dog out of the kitchen. Trust me, it just complicates matters. Even if you have a white dog.

6. When the recipe states to, "cover the bread with a damp cloth and let rise", what they are really saying is, "don't use your nice kitchen towels that you got for Christmas, because the bread will rise so much that it will completely stick to the towel and ruin it".

7. French bread is stupid.

8. No matter how hungry you are while you're waiting for what supposedly is the French bread to bake (let's just call a spade a spade, here people... by this time, it's a French lumpy mess), just admit your defeat in the kitchen, and get the heck out. If you need hummus that bad, just drive to the local supermarket. They have loads.

9. If you must make hummus and you're out of coriander, don't substitute by putting in twice as much cumin. It smells like a sweaty New York City taxi driver. No one wants their breath to smell like B.O.

10. Trust Kenny Rogers. You gotta' know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run. To heck with baking. I'm going running.


Blogger Jon (was) in Michigan said...

Well that sounds like the kitchen was a DISASTER this weekend. :D

I use the bread machine. It doesn't make baguettes, but at least (most of) the flour stays in the machine.

Happy running, Mateo.

7:29 AM  
Blogger anne said...

How much do i love you right now?!! first, because you posted again and i love to read your writing. second, because you're not afraid to make a mess into a funny story (it's true, for some people, that would ruin their whole day and really?- who's got time for that?) and THIRDLY because reading it was like hearing your voice! hope all is well with you mateo!

3:45 PM  
Blogger Dawn - Pink Chick said...

I was scanning the blognames in my list and saw yours. I thought to myself, "I wonder if Mateo has blogged lately". I haven't been to bloglines for a bit. Been really busy.

I hope over and cool you've posted. I'm with Anne, I've missed your writing and thanks for the laugh.

I haven't made bread in eons. Oddly enough I make wonderful French bread from scratch. I never used a special pan and oh yeah cotton, not terry towels work much better. They don't Flour however is always messy. It gets everywhere.

I can just picture you in the kitchen, covered in white from head to

Happy running. Don't be such a stranger, eh.

8:56 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Isn't there a great little bakery right around the corner from you? I think I'd find one for the long term - just relish the memory of the flour, the pan and the white paw prints. It is always good to read your adventures. A good chuckle and escape does my heart good.

12:27 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! we miss you.

9:28 PM  
Blogger Christy said...

You are on my sister's blog list and I thought "Eh, what the heck! I have a few minutes."

Thank you for my belly laugh! Haven't had one in a long while and it felt good. I'll be checking back, so please blog more. And hey, super congrats on the weight loss! That is FABULOUS!

2:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i've lived in the Middle East (Oman and Dubai). They don't put coriander in hummus.

3:29 PM  

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