Things I've learned today list - The Baking Edition

Things I've learned today, The Baking Edition:

1. Don't ever buy a baking dish/pan that only serves only one very specific purpose. Even if that purpose is really cool, like... say... a French bread pan. Let's be honest, you probably won't use it.

2. If you must prove to yourself that you will use it, know your limitations. Bakers in France work YEARS to master the perfect baguette. Yours will not measure up. If people tell you it's just like the baguettes they used to buy in France, they are clearly lying to you. Graciously accept the compliment, but know the truth.

3. Don't buy the ten pound bag of flour. How many baguettes are you expecting to make? A ten pound bag of flour is simply a Three Stooges accident waiting to happen.

4. After a ten pound bag of flour explodes upon opening, the kitchen floor will be very slippery. For a very long time.

5. If you happen to find yourself with flour all over the kitchen floor, make every attempt possible to keep your dog out of the kitchen. Trust me, it just complicates matters. Even if you have a white dog.

6. When the recipe states to, "cover the bread with a damp cloth and let rise", what they are really saying is, "don't use your nice kitchen towels that you got for Christmas, because the bread will rise so much that it will completely stick to the towel and ruin it".

7. French bread is stupid.

8. No matter how hungry you are while you're waiting for what supposedly is the French bread to bake (let's just call a spade a spade, here people... by this time, it's a French lumpy mess), just admit your defeat in the kitchen, and get the heck out. If you need hummus that bad, just drive to the local supermarket. They have loads.

9. If you must make hummus and you're out of coriander, don't substitute by putting in twice as much cumin. It smells like a sweaty New York City taxi driver. No one wants their breath to smell like B.O.

10. Trust Kenny Rogers. You gotta' know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run. To heck with baking. I'm going running.